Al Murray and the Forces jokes

AL MURRAY is best known for his character, the Pub Landlord, but he is also a keen supporter of our Armed Forces.

Now the funnyman has thrown his comedy muscle behind a new military joke book, The Laughing Soldier, produced by veterans' charity Project 65.

Free copies of the book, published yesterday, are being sent out to British troops fighting in Afghanistan. It is also going on sale here.

Here are some of the best gags.

THE Regimental Sergeant Major stormed up to the Commanding Officer and demanded his leave right then and there.

"Look," protested the CO, "You've already had more leave than you're supposed to."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the RSM said. "Come with me."

He went to the parade ground and grabbed a new recruit. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the recruit returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," the CO conceded, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

OFFICER: Soldier, do you have change for a pound?

Soldier: Yes, mate, of course.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
Soldier: No, SIR!

AFTER two weeks of basic training, a sergeant lined up his new recruits and asked them who they would like to spend an hour with if given the chance right now. Several soldiers answered their mothers, their girlfriends, etc. Then the sergeant heard a unique answer.

Sergeant: Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?

Private: My careers adviser, Sarge!

A LOST sales rep stops to ask a passing Marine for directions. "Excuse me," says the rep. "What's the quickest way to Exeter?"

The Marine thinks for a moment and then asks: "Are you walking or driving?"

"I'm driving," replies the rep. "Yep. That's the quickest way," says the Marine.

A TEACHER asked her class to find out a story from their parents with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, Miss - my daddy told a story about my Uncle Pete. Uncle Pete was a pilot in the RAF in the first Gulf War and his plane got hit.

"He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then he parachuted right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

"He shot 15 of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, then he killed the last one with his bare hands."

"Wow," said the teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that?"

"Stay away from Uncle Pete when he's been drinking."

The Laughing Soldier is available now in bookshops or from thelaughingsoldier.org.

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3235912/Soldier-gags-from-charity-book.html#ixzz15i9cVBHM