Shakatak

I was dragged along by my wife to see this group from the early 80's.
Surprisingly they have had over 20 albums.
Well we showed up last night to Bishops Stortford in Essex which is where they came from.
The venue didn't have seats and some guys were standing at the stage 30 minutes beforehand with their cameras and Ipods at the ready.
Most of the attendees were at the very least Middle Aged and some were so decrepit they weren't going to get up and boogie!.
Anyway the group came on and the lead female was in a nice long black dress only to notice that she was somewhat pregnant or just fat. She still had the fancy hand movements as well while playing her bongos and flute.
Anyway, after the 2 main hit songs and after 25 minutes, my wife asked what time it was. This is a good sign for me. It meant she didn't think much of them.
Those people who have never heard of them, Shakatak was a jazz funk group.
At this point the lead guitarist went into a jazz disappear up your arse solo. This was definately a hint to go outside for a drink, which we did.
We didn't go back!!

Glorious Spurs!

Yes we got through to the knock-out stages of the Champions league last night.
In the end an easy win at 3-0 against Werder Bremen.
However, Spurs injury list grew again last night, so this could cause a problem for us!

Come on you Spurs !!!

Bloody airport security

This morning in my hand luggage I took 2 Fray and Bentos pies in a tin.
i.e. these are machine sealed tins that hold pies like Steak and kidney and Chicken and Mushroom and can only open with a tin opener.

The security at Stansted removed them from my bag, because they have gravy in and could hold bombs!!!

The security scanning guy recognized them immediately as the real item.
The woman who should have known better, said it was due to rules.
I explained that these seem to change every month and it becomes an entertainment as to which one's they change.

What will they come up with next?
Most probably not allowed to wear wired bras 'cos the wire may used as a weapon!!!

Al Murray and the Forces jokes

AL MURRAY is best known for his character, the Pub Landlord, but he is also a keen supporter of our Armed Forces.

Now the funnyman has thrown his comedy muscle behind a new military joke book, The Laughing Soldier, produced by veterans' charity Project 65.

Free copies of the book, published yesterday, are being sent out to British troops fighting in Afghanistan. It is also going on sale here.

Here are some of the best gags.

THE Regimental Sergeant Major stormed up to the Commanding Officer and demanded his leave right then and there.

"Look," protested the CO, "You've already had more leave than you're supposed to."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the RSM said. "Come with me."

He went to the parade ground and grabbed a new recruit. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the recruit returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," the CO conceded, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

OFFICER: Soldier, do you have change for a pound?

Soldier: Yes, mate, of course.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
Soldier: No, SIR!

AFTER two weeks of basic training, a sergeant lined up his new recruits and asked them who they would like to spend an hour with if given the chance right now. Several soldiers answered their mothers, their girlfriends, etc. Then the sergeant heard a unique answer.

Sergeant: Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?

Private: My careers adviser, Sarge!

A LOST sales rep stops to ask a passing Marine for directions. "Excuse me," says the rep. "What's the quickest way to Exeter?"

The Marine thinks for a moment and then asks: "Are you walking or driving?"

"I'm driving," replies the rep. "Yep. That's the quickest way," says the Marine.

A TEACHER asked her class to find out a story from their parents with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, Miss - my daddy told a story about my Uncle Pete. Uncle Pete was a pilot in the RAF in the first Gulf War and his plane got hit.

"He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then he parachuted right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

"He shot 15 of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, then he killed the last one with his bare hands."

"Wow," said the teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that?"

"Stay away from Uncle Pete when he's been drinking."

The Laughing Soldier is available now in bookshops or from thelaughingsoldier.org.

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3235912/Soldier-gags-from-charity-book.html#ixzz15i9cVBHM

Women are defunct!!!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3231673/My-girlfriend-is-a-robot.html

New sex study and infidelity

Written by a woman in the Daily Mail. It seems that women are on top of everything!!!!

Facts:
12% of women between ages of 20-60+ abuse their husbands trust
76% of middle aged men forgive their wives ( no figures for other way around!!)
12% across the surveyed age group have had emotional or sexual affairs although 8% say it was for pure sex (that's alright then!)
18% of men in their 20's stray
14% of men at 60 stray
47% womens affairs are with men at work
21% of women say things on the internet they wouldn't tell their partners which constitutes a betrayal (something to do with being free of kids etc)
Women feel that staying in their marriage after being found out, still gives them the respectability.
74% of women between 50-59 successfully conceal their infidelities.
37%  of 50-59 year olds women said that their marriages ended when the husbands found out.
8% of total relationships break up from a man's or woman's adultery
76% of men betwen 40-49 forgive their wives affairs
30-39 years olds are more likely to seek counselling
11% have retaliatory affairs
20% of women admit to having fantasies and thinking of other people when having sex with their husbands
4% direct their thought to other women
30% of 30-39 year old women have the most fertile fantasies
60% of people between 20-29 use erotic literature, of which 13% are women
1% of 20-29 year olds have been with other women
35% of 20 -29 year olds do play role
25% of women in their 40's use erotic literature
6% of over 60's use erectile drugs
4% of couples in their 30's and 40's use chemical aids.

I had my Angio

Seems that I am ok.
Playing football in 47c didn't help and it seems that my blood went to boiling point and clotted up a secondary artery and therefore the heart wasn't and still isn't working right.
However, the consultant seems to think that if I get the cholesteral down to 3.5 from 5.2 it should be better.
The secondary artery is flowing a bit now.

The rest of the weekend I have to rest.
I am not supposed to fly for 2 weeks but the consultant said that as it's only 30 minutes flying I should be ok.