Todays musings!

So the government had an MP or something who was named the 'back to work Tsar'!
Who is now out of work!
Caught with her hand in the till or something and has had to resign.
Not much hope for the unemployed then, unless you want to learn how to nick or defraud people!!

I get to work before 8am!
A young girl is walking towards me flustered and drops her security badge.
I said ' You have dropped something' she stared at me as if I was a moron!
Fortunately the security guard picked it up for her and confirmed she dropped it.
What a state to come to work!
I suggest she has www.rescueremedy.com I am going to check it out.

So there is this town in Switzerland that has some of the brightest sparks on Earth and they run their multi-million pound machine to check out the speed of light. They conclude that Einstein may have been wrong!!
There is something faster than light and Einstein was wrong.
Now it seems that this is incorrect 'cos they have found that the bright spark putting the machine together made a faulty wire connection or didn't tighten the screw up for the connection!
Now this is fairly basic for a sparks (colloquialism for an electrician - get it)
So it seems that all the bright sparks have been outdone by a low spark!!!

NORTHERNERS LOTTERY

Is it me who is wondering why it appears a high percentage of lottery and euro lottery winners are north of Watford?
The first winner was a Pakistani in Bolton who was sent to Coventry as its against Islam. As a southerner, there is no justice in this world. WE IN THE SOUTH CAN COPE WITH MONEY AND THOSE IN THE NORTH HAVE NO IDEA!

Accident

Great report

Questionable calibration of speeding gun and lucky escape for police

India coping with an older nation

eInnuendo

Notice for retiring age people by the Indian Government

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Indian Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under theSCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED orSCREWED any further by the central government. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as muchSHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP, who has been trained to give you all theSHIT you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Steven Wright - Comedian

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . ..

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the sp ot. 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn l ouder." 

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Mancini has lost the plot

Mancini has asked for even more money from Manchester City owner in order to beat Manchester Utd.

For me this is complete nonesense.
1. He spent Stg 150 million last August for players.
2. Man. City are top of the league
3. Man. Utd are losing the plot themselves after all of their injuries.
4. Mancini is a good manager, but currently if you compare him to Ferguson, Wenger and Redknap who are on tight budgets are using their guile as football coaches to prove themselves, Mancini is a lost cause.
5. Man. City are in trouble for 2013 when I believe the 6 local and 5 foreign players rule comes in.So his buying can only be a short term thing.